Validation

I recently read the book to the right and wanted to share what I learned.

It is not a page turner, even for a self help type book. But it has changed me a little bit on the insides. :)

I wanted to share what I learned because it is too good not to.



Validation

The key to making listening effective in communicating with others, is to also validate. When we validate someone we show them: they are valued, their thoughts are valued and that someone is always there for them.

"All of us want to be listened to and understood. We want to be appreciated for who we are individually. We need to be heard completely and no judged, corrected, or advised."

Example:
You are telling your friend how hard your job is.Your friend says "I bet it isn't that bad."

This statement is disregarding their feelings as false or not right. Instead to validate they could say "I am sorry work is difficult right now, what is going on?"

This invites the person to keep sharing their feelings and perhaps solve their own problem that they are having at work.


"When a person is allowed to follow the emotions down as far as he needs to go with someone walking beside him emotionally, then he will bring himself back up/"

Positive Mental Attitude Statements
A lot of times we want to jump in with positive statements when someone is expressing pain.

For example a friend says "I am sick of dating, I just want to quit and be a hermit"
and then you say "O I am sure you will find the "the one" really soon, you are doing great!"

This only makes them feel you aren't listening to what they are feeling which is fed up with the in's and out's of dating.

OR another example

You say "I wish I could have a new bed, but I just can't afford it right now"
then your friend says "well at least you don't live in Africa and don't have a bed"

Now sometimes I feel for me this can put things in perspective but at other times it mostly makes the person feel like they aren't grateful.  When in reality they really weren't complaining about their life just a bed.

Positive Statements are best when the person who you are listening to comes up with a solution to their problem or makes a positive statement first.


Holy Cow! I learned a lot from the book and I hope you do too. I really think this issue is key in relationships of all kinds. It helps things not get defensive but rather they look at the view of the other person and how they are feeling.