Extreme Perfectionism

Perfect
adjective \ˈpər-fikt\

: having no mistakes or flaws
: completely correct or accurate

: having all the qualities you want in that kind of person, situation, etc.

Sometimes being a perfectionist can help us accomplish great things. For example, an athlete the perfects an aspect of their game. A dancer that perfects a routine. A cook that perfects a dish.  These things can be done perfectly, without flaw.   

However, when taken in to an unhealthy extreme (which may be different to each person) it can be destructive mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  

It can go to needing one thing to be perfect, to having everything needing to be perfect. No middle ground. What is right is right, what is wrong is wrong. 

• The perfect body is the only body.
• The perfect diet is the only diet.
• The perfect hair, makeup, skin, clothes, job, teeth, smile are the only ones.
• The perfect way to be a mother is the only way to be a mother.
• The perfect house is the only house. 
• The perfect way to teach is the only way to teach. 
• The perfect Christian is the only way to be christian.
• The perfect mom is the only way to be a mom. 
• The perfect life is the only life.

Everything else is FAILURE.

And when you live like this, everything is failure. 

How often do we put extreme absolutes on ourselves without realizing it?  Today I said, "I need to get the laundry done today" and then, whether I know it or not, if I don't get the laundry done I think "I failed".

Add enough of those moments throughout the day and soon we become anxious, depressed, obsessive compulsive, angry, mean, to list a few. 

As I look through the glasses of perfectionists (which are the glasses I wear most often), I see the pinterest pages with perfect bedrooms, the perfect mom doing activities with their kids, I see the perfect child being respectful. They are perfect. I have to be like them.

Plan of Perfection

We want to be perfect for many reasons but I separated it into being perfect for Others and being perfect for ourselves:

Others

We want others to see our houses as spotless. We want others to see us as the perfect parents. We want others to see our kids as perfect. Why? It proves to us that we are doing things right, perfect even. 

Ourselves

Once we have proven to others that we are perfect, we then give ourselves permission to view ourselves the same way. We want to keep being perfect so we can keep feeling we are in control of everything, that we are worth something; to prove we have skill, value, and deserve love.

Peace out of Perfection

When we realize that we are using perfectionism to feel valued, loved, cared for, to feel like we have a worthy opinion, we realize we have been wearing perfectionist glasses to see the world and it's time to take them off.

Often this is realized by burning out because you can't push through and do everything perfect all the time. Other times it is realized by not enjoying things anymore because "why try? I am never going to be perfect". 

How ever it is realized, we can now view the world in more realistic ways. 

We see that the perfect bedroom was perfect for one minute to take the picture, added to the fact the rest of the house not shown is a mess. The perfect mom doing a fun activity with her kids sometimes gets frustrated sometimes. The perfect child upon closer inspection was perfect indeed for that moment but was then distracted by another child's toy and screamed in anger they didn't have it. 

We realize that happiness is letting go of perfection and let in:

• love
• sweat
• messy
• vulnerability
• perseverance
• trying
• hope
• joy
• practice
• striving
• living
• breathing
• fulfillment 
• tears
• uncertainty

By letting these things in instead of keeping them out because you want to be perfect you indeed aren't living.

“Perfectionism doesn't believe in practice shots. It doesn't believe in improvement. Perfectionism has never heard that anything worth doing is worth doing badly--and that if we allow ourselves to do something badly we might in time become quite good at it. Perfectionism measures our beginner's work against the finished work of masters. Perfectionism thrives on comparison and competition. It doesn't know how to say, "Good try," or "Job well done." The critic does not believe in creative glee--or any glee at all, for that matter. No, perfectionism is a serious matter.”
― Julia Cameron, Finding Water: The Art of Perseverance 

 

Being Perfect Vids

• http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TTbnBmwKuCI  
• http://www.oprah.com/oprahs-lifeclass/Why-Brene-Brown-Says-Perfectionism-Is-a-20-Ton-Shield-Video 
• http://www.lds.org/general-conference/1995/10/perfection-pending?lang=eng&query=perfect 
• https://www.lds.org/ensign/2005/06/confessions-of-a-perfectionist?lang=eng